Satan knocked the wind out of me tonight. I spent the past several hours being offered many things that I couldn’t have but desperately wanted. Then, being teased and mocked for refusing to join in.
“What you afraid you’re going to get fat or something?” they would say with a look of judgment about my size.
“No, I’m allergic actually.”
“Oh, come on. A little bit won’t hurt you. If it does, we’ll drive you to the hospital. Ha ha ha!”
Those who were drunk enough actually voiced their thoughts that they think I have an eating disorder. Those who weren’t drunk enough kept that thought to themselves…probably what most strangers do when they see me. I realized how abnormal I really appear. The weight of what people see when they look at me crushed my spirit with force.
The lies of the enemy came flooding into my soul: “You’re no fun anymore.” “People think you look gross.” “Why even bother trying to make yourself look nice when all people notice is how boney you are?” “Doesn’t all this food and drink look yummy!? Ha ha…you can’t have any!”
I feel different and sad and ugly.
I did not choose to be different in this way. I do not enjoy it. I want to be just like everybody else. My flesh wants to get drunk and eat unhealthy. My Spirit knows that I’m called to so much more.
For me, there were only two paths laid out: 1) take steroids and be overweight or 2) treat the root cause and be underweight. Option 1 would have meant that I could continue living however I want…food, drink, etc. Pop some pills and keep on going. Option 2 means sacrifice, hard work, dedication, and being different. It’s the road less traveled.
I am proud of myself for the road I’ve chosen, and Satan hates me for it. He wants me to feel down so that I will shut up and quit sharing the truth with everyone. Well, he got his way for tonight…but, I’ll be back tomorrow. I feel defeated and alone, but I will keep pushing on. I have no other choice.
This is the body God gave me, and I am thankful for it. He thinks I’m beautiful and that’s all that matters!
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies…So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
~~~ II Corinthians 4: 7-10, 16-18, ESV
“…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
~~~I Samuel 16:7, ESV